Is there such a thing as part-time depression?

Bit of a strange topic for one of my blog posts, and not really something I've touched upon before. Not sure why, maybe fear of the unknown or fear of a bad reaction. Although it's something I think is worth speaking about and if I can make one person feel better from reading this, then I will be happy.

So it's my birthday today! 24 years of age, stuck in a rut and at that stage of my life where I search every day to figure out my purpose.

Every year is another opportunity to reflect on the previous year, and to set objectives going forward to make this year even more adventurous and enjoyable.

Reflecting on 2016 for me threw up a range of different emotions. It started great; just before Christmas I had been promoted in my job (more money of course which was a bonus), and then a meet up with all my camp friends in London was the most exciting engagement in the new year.

Fast forward to February, and I was preparing for a solo trip across the world to Zhuhai in China where I spent 8 weeks. China was incredible - I learned so much in such a short space of time, and then I came home for a few weeks before moving back to the USA for the summer to work at Camp Anne for a second time.

Going back to camp was the best experience of my life, and I'm so glad I made the decision to go back. New friends, new adventures, a first ever tattoo - it was just amazing, though I did smash my brand new iPhone in to pieces! I then came home for my brother's wedding which was just wonderful - a family occasion that will live long in the memory.

I had been home for only 2 days before packing a hand luggage bag of clothes to take with me to Birmingham to start a new adventure. I finally had my dream job at 23 - not bad!

My year had been pretty amazing thus far, and it seemed only to be getting better.

However, things quickly took a turn for the worse, emotions reversed and suddenly I felt like I was living a real-life nightmare.

I didn't have WiFi in my flat which was a bit of a nuisance, but I managed to cope by using my iPad with the neighbour's WiFi code (remember I broke my phone at camp)?

I didn't have a working phone, so I wasn't able to communicate with anyone outside of my working hours for a few weeks. I didn't have enough money to get a new phone, so I took a chance and tried to get my phone fixed by a dodgy back-street store in Leicester city centre. £60 - phone fixed. 2 days later - phone destroyed. Literally didn't have an ounce of luck. So I went and bought a new £15 pay as you go Nokia to use.

Weekends were the worst. My flatmate used to go back to Manchester most weekends, or in to Birmingham to see his friends. What did I do? I spent my whole weekend waiting for the X Factor to come on so I could have some sort of entertainment in my life. 8:00pm on a Sunday night was legit my favourite time of the week, "H to the O to the N to the E to the Y to the G it's HONEY G". (Please don't judge me for my taste in music).

Monday morning comes around again and it's back to the daily routine of getting up at 6:00am to drive half way across the country to do an event, and stopping at McDonald's car park on the way home at 8:00pm to use their free WiFi to Facebook call my mum.

For the first time in my entire life, I felt so out of touch with the world. I felt an overwhelming range of emotions that I had never felt before. I also had no friends where I was, so there was always the issue of wanting to reach out to someone but having no one to reach out to.

For the first time in my entire life, I felt depressed.

I'd never felt depression before; and that's how I knew that something wasn't quite right in my mind.

I had a great job, a great support network and so much to look forward to. But the problem is that I wasn't happy. That unhappiness led to me to be in an emotional place that I've never been before, feeling anxious, useless and defeated.

I remember sitting in my room one night in November. It was about 7 o clock, and I'd just arrived home from a 200 mile round trip to the North of England. I was sitting in darkness with so many thoughts going through my mind. I got up and switched the light on, and for some strange reason something in my head just clicked.

A change was blatantly necessary, and I left my job at the end of November. Coming home was supposed to solve all my problems and it was great for the first week. After that; it was like a reverse culture shock to the system. Going from independently travelling the world and looking after yourself to having your dinner being made for you every night and being surrounded by a loving family. Surely the perfect remedy right?

Wrong.

My family, mum especially have been like a rock for me in the past few months; but when you're so used to doing things for yourself and living life on your terms, it's hard to re-adapt to being back home. You can't just click out of it and go back to the way things were - it doesn't work like that.

The effect that it has on your mind is emotionally draining, but it's no-one's fault.

I think that having spent time at a special needs summer camp, I have become much more self aware of my mind and my mental health. Because when you work in such an environment, your thought process changes because you automatically put other people first, and try to understand what they are thinking, what they are feeling.

The question I ask myself every day - am I depressed? I'm not sad every day, so what exactly is it that I'm feeling? I've had a few shitty months and I'm getting to a point now where I'm getting happier day by day, because each day I'm getting closer to going abroad again for another international adventure.

My life has become somewhat strange in the sense that I spend so much time searching for some sort of fulfilment, some sort of exterior reason for happiness, despite having so many reasons to be happy.

I'm acutely aware of the fact that I can be extremely happy one day, yet crippled with sadness and pain the next, so it's something that I'm starting to live and deal with now that I'm getting older.

The biggest lesson that I have learnt over the last few months, is that there is absolutely nothing in this life worth compromising your happiness for. If you feel like shit, then find a way to get out of that situation. In a crap job? Leave it.  Talk to someone, keep a journal, do something that makes you happy. Make that change and you will feel a weight is lifted off your shoulders. My happiness at the present moment comes from writing, something I consider to be a coping mechanism for dealing with feelings of anxiety and stress. But then again, I know that when I eventually flee the nest again, I will find that happiness that I continue to search for and life will be OK again. In the meantime, every day I am learning. It's ok not to be ok.

If you stayed with me long enough until the end of this post, then I thank you. I leave you with this my friends.

The University Degree - Does it even matter anymore?

Remember the days we were in school and were told that the key to having a successful career was to go to university and get a good degree to get a good job? Long gone are those days.

Record numbers of students are going to university year upon year in the UK; which reignites the debate about whether the university degree even matters anymore.

I earned my degree in July 2015 and since then, I have been unable to secure a job that is directly relevant to what I studied; Leisure and Events Management. Most, if not all of my relevant experience in this industry is previous voluntary work, and finding a full time job is as easy as drawing blood from a stone.

Another problem is the issue of being a 'job-hopper'. Because of my inability to find a full time graduate job, I have resorted to jumping from job to job to fund a lifestyle of working abroad, before coming home again and picking up another temporary job to pay the bills and repeat the process of saving enough money to work overseas again. All done with the intention of making myself as employable as possible; and in fact, it seems to have the opposite effect.

This leaves me in the familiar position that I know a lot of people have found themselves in; the midst of what seems like a 'quarter-life crisis'. A time that usually occurs in one's mid twenties, when the feelings of insecurity, hopelessness and underachievement begin to make us wonder whether there's any point in pursuing that 'dream career' anymore.

So, back to the initial question - does the university degree even matter anymore?

When I graduated from university, not only did I receive a 2.1, but I also had the added benefit of having an international placement year in the USA, For this placement year I also received an award of commendation for 'excellence in placement', as well as an additional award for participating in extra curricular activities. I had worked at some of the biggest events and venues in the world; the Olympic and Paralympic Games and the Super Bowl to name a few, All of which I felt made me a very employable candidate when applying for future jobs.

However, in reality, when university students graduate and apply for jobs, they face more competition now than ever before. With record numbers of students going to university and many of those achieving the top grade; this means that the pool of candidates for employers to choose from is larger than ever, and many 'qualified' candidates suddenly become 'under-qualified'.

Which brings me to the main issue that I have faced when applying for graduate jobs; not having enough experience, which is demonstrated below in my 'Graduate Job Search' diagram.

This has been an ongoing process for 18 months; I apply for a job, and get a rejection because it is apparent that I am not qualified enough for the role. How are graduates supposed to get experience, if they cannot get a job? Why do companies require a degree and two years experience for an entry level position? Isn't the point of an entry level position to help a graduate to develop their skills in that area, and help them grow as a professional in the world of work?

For me, it is almost impossible to find a full time, industry relevant job because I am 'under-qualified', but then when I apply for a part-time job, I'm rejected for being 'over-qualified'.

I have so many friends who spent four years at university, graduated with a first class degree, and aren't working in the field that they spent four years studying. I have other friends who didn't go to university, did an apprenticeship, and now have the job of their dreams. I know people who studied a beauty course, and have ended up becoming hairdressers and make-up artists, making a solid income and loving their jobs.

Then there's me, swimming in a mountain of student debt (£24,149.84 to be quite precise), and having no idea what to do with my life having hit a brick wall in understanding the purpose of my four years in university.

Nowadays, it is becoming more common to have a university degree; and if I could rewind 5 years, it's likely I would have chosen not to go to university and moved abroad full time.