So it's my birthday today! 24 years of age, stuck in a rut and at that stage of my life where I search every day to figure out my purpose.
Every year is another opportunity to reflect on the previous year, and to set objectives going forward to make this year even more adventurous and enjoyable.
Reflecting on 2016 for me threw up a range of different emotions. It started great; just before Christmas I had been promoted in my job (more money of course which was a bonus), and then a meet up with all my camp friends in London was the most exciting engagement in the new year.
Fast forward to February, and I was preparing for a solo trip across the world to Zhuhai in China where I spent 8 weeks. China was incredible - I learned so much in such a short space of time, and then I came home for a few weeks before moving back to the USA for the summer to work at Camp Anne for a second time.
Going back to camp was the best experience of my life, and I'm so glad I made the decision to go back. New friends, new adventures, a first ever tattoo - it was just amazing, though I did smash my brand new iPhone in to pieces! I then came home for my brother's wedding which was just wonderful - a family occasion that will live long in the memory.
I had been home for only 2 days before packing a hand luggage bag of clothes to take with me to Birmingham to start a new adventure. I finally had my dream job at 23 - not bad!
My year had been pretty amazing thus far, and it seemed only to be getting better.
However, things quickly took a turn for the worse, emotions reversed and suddenly I felt like I was living a real-life nightmare.
I didn't have WiFi in my flat which was a bit of a nuisance, but I managed to cope by using my iPad with the neighbour's WiFi code (remember I broke my phone at camp)?
I didn't have a working phone, so I wasn't able to communicate with anyone outside of my working hours for a few weeks. I didn't have enough money to get a new phone, so I took a chance and tried to get my phone fixed by a dodgy back-street store in Leicester city centre. £60 - phone fixed. 2 days later - phone destroyed. Literally didn't have an ounce of luck. So I went and bought a new £15 pay as you go Nokia to use.
Weekends were the worst. My flatmate used to go back to Manchester most weekends, or in to Birmingham to see his friends. What did I do? I spent my whole weekend waiting for the X Factor to come on so I could have some sort of entertainment in my life. 8:00pm on a Sunday night was legit my favourite time of the week, "H to the O to the N to the E to the Y to the G it's HONEY G". (Please don't judge me for my taste in music).
Monday morning comes around again and it's back to the daily routine of getting up at 6:00am to drive half way across the country to do an event, and stopping at McDonald's car park on the way home at 8:00pm to use their free WiFi to Facebook call my mum.
For the first time in my entire life, I felt so out of touch with the world. I felt an overwhelming range of emotions that I had never felt before. I also had no friends where I was, so there was always the issue of wanting to reach out to someone but having no one to reach out to.
For the first time in my entire life, I felt depressed.
I'd never felt depression before; and that's how I knew that something wasn't quite right in my mind.
I had a great job, a great support network and so much to look forward to. But the problem is that I wasn't happy. That unhappiness led to me to be in an emotional place that I've never been before, feeling anxious, useless and defeated.
I remember sitting in my room one night in November. It was about 7 o clock, and I'd just arrived home from a 200 mile round trip to the North of England. I was sitting in darkness with so many thoughts going through my mind. I got up and switched the light on, and for some strange reason something in my head just clicked.
A change was blatantly necessary, and I left my job at the end of November. Coming home was supposed to solve all my problems and it was great for the first week. After that; it was like a reverse culture shock to the system. Going from independently travelling the world and looking after yourself to having your dinner being made for you every night and being surrounded by a loving family. Surely the perfect remedy right?
Wrong.
My family, mum especially have been like a rock for me in the past few months; but when you're so used to doing things for yourself and living life on your terms, it's hard to re-adapt to being back home. You can't just click out of it and go back to the way things were - it doesn't work like that.
The effect that it has on your mind is emotionally draining, but it's no-one's fault.
I think that having spent time at a special needs summer camp, I have become much more self aware of my mind and my mental health. Because when you work in such an environment, your thought process changes because you automatically put other people first, and try to understand what they are thinking, what they are feeling.
The question I ask myself every day - am I depressed? I'm not sad every day, so what exactly is it that I'm feeling? I've had a few shitty months and I'm getting to a point now where I'm getting happier day by day, because each day I'm getting closer to going abroad again for another international adventure.
My life has become somewhat strange in the sense that I spend so much time searching for some sort of fulfilment, some sort of exterior reason for happiness, despite having so many reasons to be happy.
I'm acutely aware of the fact that I can be extremely happy one day, yet crippled with sadness and pain the next, so it's something that I'm starting to live and deal with now that I'm getting older.
The biggest lesson that I have learnt over the last few months, is that there is absolutely nothing in this life worth compromising your happiness for. If you feel like shit, then find a way to get out of that situation. In a crap job? Leave it. Talk to someone, keep a journal, do something that makes you happy. Make that change and you will feel a weight is lifted off your shoulders. My happiness at the present moment comes from writing, something I consider to be a coping mechanism for dealing with feelings of anxiety and stress. But then again, I know that when I eventually flee the nest again, I will find that happiness that I continue to search for and life will be OK again. In the meantime, every day I am learning. It's ok not to be ok.
If you stayed with me long enough until the end of this post, then I thank you. I leave you with this my friends.
No comments:
Post a Comment